a story of mine

A year ago,i posted a story of mine in my old blog,and today...i think it's time for the ending part.The ending tat i think no one would like it to be.If all this was a movie,i wish tat i m the director.I dont want to be the actor in this kind of movie.A sad movie u'll say?But perhaps this is the movie tat i can gain some very good experience before i can be the director and make a good movie wit good ending.

This is the story i posted before,

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry coz this is too long but i already tried to make it shorter.
Feel free to read. =`)

I started pak toh wit my ex when i was 15(form 3).Got to know her when she moved from KL to my school.Everything went smooth as there's no objection from both of our families as well.We're so happy being together.

5 years and 3 months after that...few months after my ex started working,she got to know new frens and...a guy also.A guy who might be better than me.
I din know abt it untill i found tat she's a bit weird and and she started to treat me so cold.I called her best fren and begged her to tell me wat's wrong wit my ex and finally she told me abt it.I m speechless,i only cried.I talked to my ex parent abt it and cried infront of them but they told me nothin can be done as she's already changed.They cant change her mind.

Yes,she changed.A lot.She's so cruel to me...at last,she asked to end our relationship.It happened on 15th Of Febuary.
For the 1st time in my life i felt i've been hurt so deeply...
Not sure wheter i m stupid,i begged my ex to come back to me and that i'll forgive for wat she has done.
She said no.
And she told me she arent with tat guy but she wan more freedom tats y she wan to leave me.
She's not the gal who i've been together wit for the past 5 years.Almost 360 degree changed.
I tried all my best to keep the relationship but nothin better i can do.

I was totally down,din go to work for 2 days n juz stayed in my room b4 my dad scolded me.
Well,i know tat life goes on...but with a badly wounded heart.Tear is my close fren since then.

I missed her so much,a few months after we broke off i tried to call her...the 1st time i called i din talk,i just heard her voice for a few seconds...i duno wat to say.She din know it's me cuz i called to her house number so there's no caller ID.
But guess wat?She called me back and ask wheter it is me who made the call.
Then,i admit and we started to chat.After tat day,we'll call each other once in a while...untill 1 day,while we was talking on the phone she suddenly cried...so i asked her why?She told me tat she's so regret for what she has done to me.
She even told me tat she's hoping we can start it all over again.
I din answer,i juz cried...(well i admit tat after we broke off i became so weak and i cry easily)
I duno why i din wan to answer her...and wat's even weird is i started to hate her.
Why?Why let all this happened and regret now?

So,she said she'll wait for my answer.Still,we do keep contact but not too often.Everytime she'll ask wheter i've made up my mind to answer her."Don't know" is the only answer i gave her all the time.
Another few months has passed and she seems cant wait and told me tat she's suffering...i really duno wat to do,so i told her tat i'll give her the answer on my birthday.Actually i juz simply said it cuz i cant get the answer for her.

On my birthday,i was drunk badly and i forgot abt it...she oso din call so i juz assumed tats ok...

As i m bein single,i got nothin much to do and spend most of my time chilling out wit frens.So,i got to know a gal from my fren.She's quite a nice person and we went out often after we know each other closer.
Human can fall in love easily...i guess.Tats wat happened to me and the gal.
So,we got together after that.

Human is sumtime weird...unlucky,sellfish and unexplained.I guess i am.

When i suppose to love her as a bf,i did not.
When i suppose to forget abt my ex and start a new relationship wit this gal,i cant.
When i suppose to feel happy,i keep thinking abt the sad things.
When i suppose to do better for this new relationship,i broke it.
This time,i've been cruel.I'm sorry.

The above is wat i did when i m wit the gal.We broke off abt 3months after we got together.It's me who called it quit.
I made the desicion cuz whenever i m wit her i'll think abt my ex...i alwiz compare her wit my ex and i thk of my ex even more than b4 i m wit this gal.
I feel guitly n lost...so i juz gave up.
I din say broke off wit her or even tell her the reason...we juz ended like tat.

So,after i ended the relationship...i wish to start it over wit my 1st ex.
After this all happened,i realised tat she's the 1 i love the most and i cant forget abt her...
I wana get back to her and i really hope everything will be fine,no more pain and that i can find back all the happines tat have been missing for quite sumtime.
I really hope for that.

So,I contact back wit my 1st ex...and this time,she told me tat she's movin to JB to further her study and said she dowan to think of relationship now as she wan to concentrade on her study.
Is God is playin me??Tats wat i alwiz ask...

But nvm,i hv gone this far....i cant give up this time,i told myself tat i'll do wateva to change her mind not to move to JB and accept me back.

Time passed so fast,she went to JB and i cant make her stay or even accept me...
It's hurt to know tat she's so far away now...
I told her i'll wait for her....wait untill she finish her study and come back.
She said juz let the fate to decide for us.

Maybe once in a month,she'll be back in KL.She promised will call me wheneva she's back.She did.
Abt 4 months ago,like usual she came back and we went out.
I was so surprised tat the day turned to be a very very happy day for me cuz we're seems so close,juz like when we was together last time.We did hold hand... :)

The next day,she's goin back to JB again...i m so sad but we'll contact thru ICQ or phone call sumtime.
I know things is getting better for us...tats so sweet.

A few days after tat,i asked her wheter we're back together.

She : Im sorry but...i think i wont be meeting u anymore
Me : Why??
She: My boyfriend doesnt like me to meet u...

............

Me : Why u lied to me....?
She : It's u who make things worst,u never call me to give me the answer as u promised to do so on ur birthday! *did i really make things worst?*
Me: Yes it was my fault but i really forgot cuz i was drunk on tat nite...
She : STOP giving me excuses!
Me : Excuses??I m telling u the truth!And u did not call me as well?why?

I've been cheated n cheated n cheated.....

She told me tat she already knew her new bf BEFORE she went to JB,b4 tat her bf is working in KL when she got to know him.

She has been telling me all the lies all this while!!
Bcoz....

The guy is from JB,he went back to JB few months b4 my ex decided to go to JB to further her study....
My ex wanted to go JB to study bcoz of this guy....
And i was too dumb,i neva expected she'll cheat me...i was so so so so stupid.

I begun to hate myself for still loving her...i juz cant control.
It's already 1 year and 6 months after we broke up.So much things happened.
Sumtimes it's really like a movie playin back in my mind all the past memories.
My heart feel damn pain...u know,when u wan to cry but u cant.. ur heart will start to feel tat pain.Real pain.

I did not contact wit her anymore...perhaps i'll never again.
All this things tat happened caused a very weird feeling for me.
I duno wheter i hate her or not.
I dun cry nowadays,but the pain is worsen.
Maybe this time i was wounded internally...

Only sweet memories and pain left now....

Since then,i asked a lot of ppls how to overcome this feeling...
Many told me tat if i can share my problems wit others it might help a lil bit.
I've been hurt so so so much.I need a super medicine.
So i decided to write abt my story and post it here to share wit everyone..
By sharing my problems wit others it does helped me to reduce my
sadness. =`)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This is the story i wrote a year ago.
And today,i got to know tat my ex...she's pregnant.My fren saw her yesterday and juz now she buzz me on MSN and asked me wheter i still contact wit her nowadays.
About 1 month+ ago,after a long long time that i din contact wit her,i sent her a sms to ask how is she doing.I was extremely shocked when she told me tat she's already married and hope tat i wont sms her anymore as she dont want her husband to have any misunderstanding.

.....

And today..my fren told me tat she's pregnant.

It's 2years+ since we had separated.It's not long and not short as well...but,i really never expected tat all this thing will happen in such a short period.
I m sad not bcoz tat she's married now and i got no chance as i m already accept tat she's no longer the girl that i loved before and nothing can be change at this stage...
It's bcoz...now i knew that i m totally forgotten by her.
And realising that things is changing very fast...i start to affraid that i can't adapt to this situation.
I dont know how to explain better,so many things has happened lately...
Right now,i just feel like being alone..and reminiscing..i know it's not right but,tats wat i feel like doin.
I dont want to be a director nor an actor at this moment,i just want to be the audience.

Sorry if i m neglecting anyone and if you are one of them....i m really sorry.

I m so lost that i need so much time to get back on track..It's not only about relationship but my work,future and...everything.Things is not goin so well and as i wished.


Thanks for spending time to read.